Directionless

Ever get that feeling in life no matter what you do it seems like it does not have an impact? Like your decision is not really your own, and when faced with a decision, you still are unsure. That is how I feel currently.

 A few weeks ago this feeling showed up and I just kinda shrugged it off. It was not until tonight that the feeling emerged again and knocked me off my feet. Outside at 2 am, I was staring at the moon and wondering what the hell I really was doing. Do I really care about playing Magic? Why do I have to make leaps and bounds for others to do things? Why can not people plan better and help accommodate my plans, rather than me accommodate for them?

I am tired of being used by people. Not just for advice or rides, or money. I am also tired of people relying on me to make things happen. I am irritated when people seem like they can not figure in some money for a trip even when the numbers have been presented multiple times to them. I am tired of people just being well Retarded. I just sometimes feel like a lot of work and effort I put into friendships, work, etc is often ignored or completely forgotten. I am just fed up with a lot of people right now.

Writing this blog has made me realize that writing is such an incredible way to relieve stress and laugh about things. At the same time, it lets me articulate certain things I can not say because I am too much of a bitch to say to others.

Overall, I hate the fact that I feel to directionless at the moment. It just seems like everyone else is moving along successfully and I am stuck in second gear. I am pissed at my own weakness for procrastination and inability to act. A friend even told me I need to stop focusing on others and start thinking for myself. Honestly, I think I need to. I think I need to act more like a jackass, be more selfish, do more things I like, rather than be crippled by indecision

I just want to be happy with who I am. Maybe it is time to burn the kingdom down and start anew.