Alone. That word is enough to make brave men become scared shitless. It makes the most hardy and difficult task seem like nothing compared to the infinite abyss of what could be. It is a void that eats away at your soul and mind until there is nothing but a husk, devoid of life and wondering about its existence. Yet, This feeling has been upon me as of late, like a cloak damp with water. No matter how much i rip it away, trying to find meaning and purpose with things, I can not help but feel so alone.

I watch as people around me find purpose with their lives. They have found careers, jobs, hobbies, loved ones, and anything else under the sun. On one hand, I can not help but feel happy for them. These people who I have i my life deserve nothing but the best. Yet, with each passing success for them,  I feel more hollow, more devoid, more alone than when I started. It is like being a torch that lights everyone's way and by the time you realize it, that torch has become a little candle.

I try to convince myself that what I am doing is for myself, but am I really? I want a degree in education and a decent job, not because it is my dream, but because i am afraid of failure. I am afraid of not living up to my parent's expectations. I am afraid of not finding a loved one and living my life alone, surrounded by a vast sea of regret and sadness. I am afraid on ending up like some bargain bin has-bin  a virtual unknown in the world, and ultimately a failure

This is not something that has come up recently. I feel it has always been there. Hiding behind that sincerity I put out to you all. It was easier for me to believe my life was worth something when I was helping and doing things for others. Yet, when the others moved on, I did not. I am truly saddened that it seems like my efforts have fallen on deaf ears and I am reduced to writing a blog to express how I truly feel. I have never felt more alone than I do now.

To those that care, I plan to go off the grid for a while. I am tired of being reminded of my regrets and pains. I will be updating the blog weekly with some status updates. You have my number if you wish to directly talk to me. Otherwise

Sayonora